The Best and Worst Things On Love Island USA

6 episodes in the Villa so far and a whole summer to go.

We’re 6 episodes into the new season of Love Island USA and I have no one to talk about it with here in Milwaukee so there’s no time like the present to make this my inaugural Substack post.

Transparently, I am a reality tv junkie. I have been watching reality shows since middle school when I would surreptitiously flip between The Real World, when my parents left the room, and then flip back to Nickelodeon, if they returned. Some of you may or may not know that my sister is on a reality show on Bravo, which has unfortunately changed my perspective on reality tv. Once you know how the sausage gets made, you definitely want to eat it less so there are some things that I watch with less joy than I used to. I can now see production’s fingerprints all over certain scenes and I can better read when someone is uncomfortable or being gently or forcefully led to say or do something they might not do under more normal circumstances.

That said, Love Island USA was a recommendation that many people gave me last summer. I was aware of the Love Island phenomenon for some time with the UK versions producing several viral moments but the daunting task of having to watch something every day immediately turned me off. Who has that kind of time? But last year, I made a cross country move, which meant I had a lot of time to pack and to unpack. And let me be the first to say that Love Island is a perfect show to put on in the background of doing anything. I loved watching Serena and Kordell find each other and it will never not amaze me that three of the couples from last year’s final are still together. Perhaps the island works.

This year, I underwent surgery for my uterine fibroids. In my recovery, there are just certain things that I am not allowed to do. Horseback riding is my preferred exercise but that is off the table for the moment. I am allowed to do Pilates and yoga but as my body heals, there are certain ways of moving that I am not totally comfortable doing yet. The one thing that I was encouraged to do by the doctors was walk. Also, that cross-country move that I mentioned? It was to Milwaukee, where though it is June, the temperature has not been above 75 degrees for a single day that I have lived here. Right now, it is in the low 60s and that means it is simply too cold for me to go outside. As I am sitting here at my desk, my space heater is on. Also part 2, I moved in with my boyfriend who is generally pretty curious about reality tv but for him Love Island USA is a hard no. He’s in the UK for work this week which means that I get to gorge myself like a horny twenty something in Soul Ties.

For me, a show that comes on everyday for the perfect amount of time that I should be power-walking on the treadmill,l is just a gift too good to pass up. Now that we’ve all spent just about a week in the villa, let’s talk about the things that I love most about this show.

• The way they scream out “I GOT A TEXT” and the way it gives me permission to do the same in my house.

• How the boys make the girls breakfast and deliver it every morning.

• The way the girls experiment with make up.

• How nothing happens in the Villa except lounging and gossiping and making out.

• The sick “challenges” they come up with.

• Seeing bonnets on screen on men and women.

I am at least 10 years older than most of the cast and that makes the watching experience fascinating. I would never encounter any of these people in real life and for me, the nosiest person in the world, I feel so fortunate for this window into human behavior in the most extreme of circumstances. That’s why I watch most reality tv to be honest. The things I value most in life, namely education and accomplishments are all but absent from the contestants on Love Island. In fact, I think it would be safe to say that most people join the cast hoping to never have to work a real job. The villa is a pathway out of wherever they were slumming it until their big break. Even knowing this though, there is a compelling amount of truth-telling that happens on Love Island, even if they cannot acknowledge that they are on a competition show. The Villa is totally isolated. The outside world almost doesn’t exist and time is really warped for them. After day one, the girls are telling each other they are a “sisterhood”, already forming an alliance against outsiders. By day three, they are ready to call the other contestants their “best friends”. By day 5, some of them are catching serious feelings, shedding tears over conversations or witnessing other interactions. It is so wildly chaotic. This is all fine except for when the outside world is forced to intervene like when they cut Yulissa after one episode. Yulissa was caught using the n-word multiple times on video and was swiftly removed without ceremony from the Villa. No one has ever mentioned her again. So much for sisterhood.

Other than that, I don’t want to share spoilers, just my rankings of who I like best out of the girls and guys. I refuse to acknowledge them as real life couples since that is a ludicrous idea. Perhaps at the end of the summer, I will change my mind. For now, they are strangers who had to pair up to find a bed to sleep in in a sprawling property in Fiji or wherever. My judgment is based on my own personal bias and random metrics that I invented.

Girls:

• Chelley. Ange. Idc I love her. Bisexual baddie. Needs better men.

• Olandria. Ok, so what? I am rooting for everybody Black. I said this is my own scale.

• Huda, Cierra and Bella-A. Honestly, my nightmare blunt rotation. These girls are all on the same tier to me and that is below Chelly and Olandria. I am loving the Internet referring to Belle-A as Belldasha because honestly, what? I didn’t love her and Cierra having to compete over Nic and his giant pimple. (No Starface in the Villa? We need for next year)

• Hannah and Amaya. They are new so I don’t know them. Instinctually I don’t like them because I, too, feel territorial like the OGs.

Boys:

• Ace. This is a toxic choice I know but I find him to be very charismatic and funny. He knows what he signed up for and he is ready to deliver. I do not predict he will end up in a relationship at the end of the summer but he will move the plot along.

• Taylor. Mr. Personality. He is really 100% himself and I love that. I don’t find him as “hot” as the other men but I think that he’s very endearing and his personality will take him far.

• Jeremiah is so hot but there’s something that doesn’t connect between how he looks and how he talks. The pitch of his voice always makes me double take. The streets is saying he’s toxic but I think he’s sweet. Idk I could just be fooled by a pretty face and in this case, I’m ok with it. Ps. It was absolutely a red flag when he said his type was “exotic. Latina”.

• Charlie. He’s cute. I don’t love how much he is kissing Hannah but other than that, he seems sweet.

• Austin. Heard he’s a Trumper but he also seems to me like someone who didn’t vote because they forgot so I don’t know on that front. He’s vaguely boring and seems, forgive me for this, ran through.

• Nic. Again, he and his pimple are nothing to battle over. He has been sketchy this whole time and I am ready for him to get his tomorrow night.

And I am going to leave you with the things I hate about the show because I want to bring balance to everything in life.

• The slow mos of grinding and kissing. It’s not hot. I find it so cringe and degrading but fine, I guess.

• The amount of fast fashion. Every outfit is made of cut-outs and lycra. The entirety of the Pretty Little Thing website ended up here.

• How it is necessary to share a bed. Honestly, the real winners get to sleep alone! That is not a punishment.

• The fact that they never have tissues at the recoupling. We just have to watch all the tears and snot fall.

I’ll be back next week after more has unfolded in the Villa. Until then!